Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
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My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Me if I was a dog
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I’m giving up ice.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.