[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
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HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.