Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
You Might Also Like
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Every house has this drawer
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark