HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
You Might Also Like
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Saw online –
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today