Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
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As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
brian had himself a morning…
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.