Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
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Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
😂😂😂
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”