They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
You Might Also Like
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday