I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
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sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Sharon, call the vet
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s