The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
You Might Also Like
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
haha same
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Tell the colonel to bring it
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.