Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
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Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.