My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
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Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.