I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
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My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Friday night party time 🥳
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.