Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
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I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point