Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
You Might Also Like
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?