Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
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What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”