People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
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*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
🤣😂🤣
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”