ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”