I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
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I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
guys I’m going home
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?