me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
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me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.