When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
You Might Also Like
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do