I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
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Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
me adding lol on a serious message
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.