The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
You Might Also Like
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-