If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
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The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me