When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
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The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it