LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
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Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us