Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
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Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
another case of gang violins
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.