ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
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My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?