lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
You Might Also Like
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Stop sending me this shit.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp