Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
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Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
You had me at “define legal”.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
what is cheese if not milk persevering
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper