I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
You Might Also Like
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it鈥檚 a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it鈥檚 a b-
me: himbert
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Caller ID isn鈥檛 enough for Me I need to know why you鈥檙e calling.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Why aren鈥檛 you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
That鈥檚 enough internet for the day
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya鈥檒l.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I鈥檓 sorry 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Let鈥檚 settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese