The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
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[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.