My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
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My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
hmmm
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
They got a point!
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order