Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
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Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Meow?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.