The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
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Ha
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.