ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
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“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?