He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
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I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes