Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
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Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Autocorrect is my menesis
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Not today, today.
Not today.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.