sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
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I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it