Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
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“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
…żyje?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.