Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
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I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Ugh but profoundly
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I want to meet the individual who made this
Hero horse inspires millions
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”