Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
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I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!