wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
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sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Haha! 😂
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”