I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
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TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Beware of the dog..
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
🙁
turn that frown upside down
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