Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
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While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
🙂🙃🥹
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
his wife is probably gonna see that
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I’m giving up for Lent.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.