[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
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Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair