me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
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I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
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Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.