Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
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The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.