My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
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ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
💯😂
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
My patience has stretch marks.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.