prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.