Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
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Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Woke up against my better judgment again
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
(yawn)
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Godspeed, John Glenn
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*